I’ve always known exactly what I wanted to do in life, what I wanted to become, how I was going to do it, but… to be honest with you, and I’m sure lots of people already know this by now. It doesn’t always go as planned.
As most of you know by now, I have a passion for acting, the film industry, the creative arts and it’s something I’ve set my heart, my entire life on doing. This is how I planned it, I go to University, I apply for an agency and I’m in. Just like that. Most people have done it exactly like that but I feel that there are other’s who had a loop hole, that loop hole being connections. It might sound that easy, but trust me it isn’t. I’ve graduated from University 3 years ago and have been to several acting workshops, applied to several agencies and either no responses or the same responses I’ve always heard, “you look like everyone else” and my absolute favourite, “We’re not accepting actors in your category”.
First of all, what’s my category? Is it age? Is it the type of actor I am (by means of my Degree?) I’ll never know. To be honest, the only thing I think of when I get rejected every time is actually because of the way that I look. If people don’t know this, they’ll know now… my self-esteem is at a low. Always has been. I’ve always felt like I have to prove that I’m good enough, but still I’m not. It’s like you have to prove yourself to everyone and yet it’s still not good enough. It’s actually terrible to think that if you’re not connected to the ‘bosses’ out there that you’d basically never make it, but some people do, and that doesn’t work either as I’ve tried.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very positive and determined to achieve my goals in life and to pursue my dream but let’s be honest, you won’t always feel that way. There are days that you just want to fall down, give up and say “I’m done”. I’ve had lots of those days, they aren’t fun. It’s like you’ve tripped and you’ve fallen into a dark hole, and that hole is so deep that you just keep falling, as if you’ll never stop, you’ll never be able to get out of it.” Those are the worst days.
You’d think that I’d give up after all those rejections, but in actual fact I kept sending in my resumé over and over to the same places and yet nothing but the same responses. Yes, I’m frustrated, yes I feel like giving up, but deep down I’ll always tell myself I can do it, no matter what anyone tells me.
Why acting? Why the film industry? I know all the stories about acting and ‘actors’. I don’t want to live up to that. I want to live up to my own destiny, I want to prove that not everyone is the same, because we’re not. As a child, I always used to watch a ton of movies and think to myself, “I want to do that”. Sure, I know movies only create an illusion of life. I know. But that’s not what I want, I want to be able to send a message through my acting to help others, I want to create stories that have meaning to the world.
I thought I’d share a part of my story with the world because I know I’m not the only one feeling the way I do about myself. I might have good days, I might have bad days, but at the end of the day I’ll always stay positive and have hope that things will eventually work out the way that I want it to. Not now, someday.
If other’s also feel this way, all I can say is never give up, you can do it. It doesn’t matter if no one else believes in you or sees your worth, you are worthy. No one can predict your life for you, it’s your path to walk, nobody else’s. Hold onto that, never change just so that they can accept you. All you need is to accept yourself and believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place. Don’t wait around for help, it’ll probably never happen, don’t let them tell you they’ll help you, they definitely won’t. You can do it, on your own.
Scary, right? I know, I’m there right now and I’m doing just great.