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As a youngster, I used to attend Eisteddfod’s and talent festivals. I always felt really nervous in front of a crowd. Me and my family attended a concert one evening, sitting in the first or second row (can’t completely remember) and the artist asked for someone to join him on stage. Lights pointed around, and finally, I was picked out of the crowd. My cheeks were bloodshot, smiling, shaking, trying to act normal. When on stage, he started singing one of his popular songs, and I had to join in on the moves to the song. I was completely frozen. My head lowered, eyes staring at the ground, completely blood red and I was shaking, my heart racing.

Funny enough, as time went on. I still feel frozen, I still have those fears. However, 20 years later and I have realized that if you want something in your life, if you want a dream, a dream so bad and you know you can do it, then do it. The crowd should not scare you. Someone once told me that the crowd isn’t there to judge you, they are merely there to see you perform and enjoy the show. They are not there to judge you.

Earlier this year, I attended a talent showcase audition. I was nervous just like before, my knees started shaking, my heart racing, beating so loud I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my throat. However, I kept telling myself: you can do this, you know the words, you can hit the note, you have practiced so many times, this is something you’ve always wanted to do in your life. And so, as I stood there with my heart pounding insane, I started and as I could feel the nerves getting worse. I told myself: Relax, you can do this. Pretend as if you are the only person in the room and that you are performing for yourself. I completed my two pieces and I felt good. I felt as if I have accomplished something, as if I took a step forward in destroying my fears and becoming more confident.

At the end of the auditions, they announced the individuals moving forward to the next round: The International Arts Talent Showcase. My number came up, I cannot explain to you the emotions I was feeling. I felt so thankful for this opportunity, I felt that I have moved a step forward to my dream. I was proud of myself for standing up and saying to myself that I can do this. I gave the audition a shot, in front of people, which is something I wouldn’t really have done. But I have changed my mindset, because nobody else is going to walk my path for me, only I am able to. And I took that step by auditioning. As the contestants all stood around the banner, awaiting other contestants and for photos to be taken, I smiled joyfully, looking out into the crowd. At that point, tears filled my eyes. I could almost not hold it in anymore. Not tears of sadness, tears of joy. Tears of getting an opportunity to perform. Tears of realizing that if I really want to, I can do it and I can reach towards my dream.

If you have a dream, and you really want it. Don’t wait for something to happen, make it happen. Don’t let your fears get in the way of your dreams, own your fears, fight them!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. A little over six months to be exact.

Over the past couple of months, life has gotten in the way. With the Covid-19 pandemic, we have all fallen prey of fear and worry. We fear that we won’t be able to live a normal life anymore, we fear for our families, for our own well-being. We fear that we won’t be able to achieve our dreams because we don’t know what the outcome will be.

Even though the whole world is on hold at this moment, wondering what six months from now would be like. Don’t lose sight of your Dream. Just because we are stuck in this moment and in this difficult time and circumstances does not mean that we cannot work on our dream, work on ourselves.

I still dream every day. I wonder what it would’ve been like if I had fulfilled that dream by this time and in this time. Would it be different? Would I be alone? At the moment, I am still where I’ve always been, busy working on my dream but every door closing on me. However, I’ve taken this time to not just work on my dream day by day, but to appreciate what I have and appreciate everything that’s done for me. To appreciate what I’ve done to accomplish my dream so far and the path that I’m busy taking. It’s not easy, it never is. I keep thinking that I’ll never be able to achieve my dream. The Universe says, “Not right now. Take a step back and be grateful.” Be grateful of what you have and what you’ve accomplished. There is a reason for this moment, there is a reason that your dream hasn’t been accomplished. But that doesn’t mean that you should stop working on it in isolation. Work on small things every day.

I am grateful that I have my family at this moment, everything that they have done for me. I am grateful that I’ve accomplished my studies and am working hard to complete the rest every single day, focusing on my study duties. Someday, my dream will come true and when that day comes, these times will be remembered, and lost, not forgotten. In this time, I have stayed strong. In this time, you have stayed strong. You grew, you worked hard and you got there. The future isn’t lost, it is simply unknown. Go further into that unknown, for it will lead you to your future and eventually your Dream.

I’m sure many of you plan ahead in time, like planning where you want to study, what you want to study, what job you want to get, what house you want, what neighbourhood you want to stay in, etc. Basically planning out your whole life (okay, maybe only half of it).

I’m like that. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a plan with my life. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and how I was going to get it done. The sad truth is that it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. Your plans can’t always be successful because life isn’t all lemons.

As many of you know, I’ve always dreamed of being an actress, one day winning an Oscar even! Big dreams, I know. But there are steps. In high school, I planned that I would study acting, obtain my Bachelors Degree, apply overseas and head on out to fulfil my dream. Even starting out locally right after university would’ve been a great start.

Has that happened? Well, not exactly… You try to get a contract with an agency, but of course most agents locally have either not responded to my application at all or I’ve been told I’m not in the right category to be accepted.  Now, that doesn’t really help with my plan to get experience, does it?

It’s been 3 years now, every few months I would hand in applications but to no avail. I’ve hit rock bottom, many times before but they always say that when you fall, you get up stronger than before. Very true words, I must say.  In these past 3 years, I’ve been confused, hit rock bottom, broken down and picked myself up again and through it all I’ve decided that from now on, I want to take like day by day… because your plans don’t always work out the way you want it to.

Taking life day by day has been a lot better. I’ve been studying something completely different, and also gaining extra skills in my field of expertise as well.

One day, I was given the opportunity to gain more experience in my field of expertise, but behind the scenes. I don’t regret it one bit, because I get to know what happens in the pre-process and finally getting an opportunity to show my skills meant a lot to me.

So, take it day by day. You can plan ahead but not to the smallest T. Taking it day by day doesn’t mean you’re lost, it doesn’t mean you don’t know what you want to do with your life. When you take it day by day, you’re just saying, “Let’s see what life has to offer me today”.

I’d like to share my experience of Canada. It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride and has been hard to share but it’s part of a small project I’m working on.

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Once again, I had no idea what I was going to do next. I had a sense of doubt, but still kept researching. Eventually I decided, if I can’t get work as an actress  I could get qualified as film crew, working on sets behind the scenes and eventually building my way up to an actress. I stumbled upon a film school in Vancouver, Canada. Without thinking, I just applied. I told myself that if I was to get accepted then this is the road that I’m supposed to be taking.

About a month or two later, I got a call late in the evening. The film school had reviewed my application and I was accepted. I was ecstatic, it felt like everything was going to work out after that. I started planning out my life around this acceptance, I was going to study for another year of my life, then finally get some work experience under my name.

Everything was ready, my whole life packed away. Flying with four luggage bags but other baggage is no easy quest. Nonetheless, I stuck it threw, this was my dream of course. When I arrived in Vancouver, I was exhausted, a thirty-three-hour flight can do a number on you. My father had made arrangements that I stay with family friends in the area. In the beginning it was all welcoming and helpful, but after a few days I was distraught. I was shattered. It had been said to me that I wasn’t to ask for help, that people have their own problems (how am I even a part of these people’s problems), that she’s never met my father but apparently he always says that he will visit (not everybody’s as rich as you think, some people have to work hard to survive), and that 80% of South Africans don’t make it overseas, the other 20% do. She said that she doesn’t care how I go but she wants me out, that getting out will be my way of apologizing to her.

So, my first question is why did you offer to help me in the first place if you’ll just kick me out? Second of all, why blame me for all your marital and personal problems, you don’t even know me? Third, I was only ever friendly. I did my part, I cleaned up after myself, like I said, I’m the quietest person you’ll ever meet, but even quiet people are apparently too much for others. The words of “only 20% of South Africans make it overseas” sunk into my subconscious mind. She was basically telling me that I was going to fail. I immediately found new accommodation and would be out by the end of the week.

I took the first apartment that I saw, I just wanted to get out of there. The day that I left, I was all packed and took my things. I don’t regret this a single day, but I never said goodbye to her. Why would I after everything she said to me? After emotionally breaking me down. I was grateful for the help that I thought I would get but it was time to get out of there and with me being emotionally broken down; I didn’t care. I just wanted out. I got a small little back yard apartment in Vancouver; the area seemed a bit dodgy to me but I’m not even sure what dodgy is in Canada.

With four bags in hand, I moved my stuff into the apartment. The apartment only had a washer, a refrigerator and a cupboard. So I set out on my first day in my apartment to buy some furniture, I rented a truck and got my furniture. People aren’t really helpful overseas, of course when you see someone struggling to pick up a bed you’d help them right? Or a couch? Oh, no. Not Canada. As I struggled on my own, I kept letting things fall, half of my cutlery was already broken by the time I got to the cashier. Everybody just stared at me, customers as well as staff. Is this what being abroad is like? But it’s nothing that’ll stop me, I’ll just prove to everyone that I can do this on my own. I am strong enough.

About a month into my studies in Canada, the International students were all brought together for a meeting. I figured it would answer all of our questions we had as potential workers in Canada. It sure did, just the sad truth though. Before I enrolled in film school, I heard that if you study in Canada you could get a work permit afterwards and I thought that I could finally apply for a job and be accepted. However, to my surprise, in the meeting they stated that the laws have changed and for five years and going private school International students aren’t given post-graduate work permits – only through public Universities. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, yet another way to reject me has been found. The amounts of times I’ve been set back from my plans to fulfilling my dream have been endless. Around every corner there’s a closed door and it’s not going to open anytime soon.

So I decided to withdraw and come back to my home country as I felt that there’s no point in wasting a year’s worth of study money if I’m already qualified and I won’t even be able to get in in the end. Do I regret it? Sometimes. I was there, I could’ve made it through. Maybe tried a different way while I was there but I decided otherwise. All I know now is that I had to go through the experience in order for me to fall and stand up again. To grow, to become stronger.

This is coming up a lot, I know, but it’s one of the main things happening in my life right now – Dreams. You know that dream job you’ve wanted ever since you were a kid? Then you go onto college and maybe study towards it… or not? After college, you try to get that dream job of yours and things don’t work out so you decide to change careers entirely? Yeah, it sucks. Well, sometimes…

I’m in that position right now. As you all know, I’ve always dreamed of being an actress and we’ll all come to terms that it’s almost impossible if you have no connections whatsoever. So it’s taken me a while to figure this out, but I finally have a Plan B. I actually wish I had set this plan in motion years ago but life is but a journey with lessons that you have to learn. You may not always understand why but that’s life.

If I can’t do what I’ve always wanted to, I decided to take a step back and think about other things I’m interested in and immediately decided that I want to help people, I want to become this because I can relate. When I was younger, it felt as if nobody would listen to me, as if nobody understood me or my situation. So that is where I thought of the perfect career path – Psychology. Psychology? Yes, I know It’s a long way to go, but hey, if you want something, go for it. No matter how hard or long it takes.

Yes, changing career paths are hard and challenging but who isn’t up for a challenge? I sure am, to prove to myself that I can do it once again. I recently watched a Youtube video that said that one shouldn’t follow your passion but instead take it with you as. Who knows, it could be useful. Another recent comment I’ve heard, “Wise choice for Psychology. But never forget your first choice.” Wise words, I’d say.

I’ve always known exactly what I wanted to do in life, what I wanted to become, how I was going to do it, but… to be honest with you, and I’m sure lots of people already know this by now. It doesn’t always go as planned.

As most of you know by now, I have a passion for acting, the film industry, the creative arts and it’s something I’ve set my heart, my entire life on doing. This is how I planned it, I go to University, I apply for an agency and I’m in. Just like that. Most people have done it exactly like that but I feel that there are other’s who had a loop hole, that loop hole being connections. It might sound that easy, but trust me it isn’t. I’ve graduated from University 3 years ago and have been to several acting workshops, applied to several agencies and either no responses or the same responses I’ve always heard, “you look like everyone else” and my absolute favourite, “We’re not accepting actors in your category”.

First of all, what’s my category? Is it age? Is it the type of actor I am (by means of my Degree?) I’ll never know. To be honest, the only thing I think of when I get rejected every time is actually because of the way that I look. If people don’t know this, they’ll know now… my self-esteem is at a low. Always has been. I’ve always felt like I have to prove that I’m good enough, but still I’m not. It’s like you have to prove yourself to everyone and yet it’s still not good enough.  It’s actually terrible to think that if you’re not connected to the ‘bosses’ out there that you’d basically never make it, but some people do, and that doesn’t work either as I’ve tried.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very positive and determined to achieve my goals in life and to pursue my dream but let’s be honest, you won’t always feel that way. There are days that you just want to fall down, give up and say “I’m done”. I’ve had lots of those days, they aren’t fun. It’s like you’ve tripped and you’ve fallen into a dark hole, and that hole is so deep that you just keep falling, as if you’ll never stop, you’ll never be able to get out of it.” Those are the worst days.

You’d think that I’d give up after all those rejections, but in actual fact I kept sending in my resumé over and over to the same places and yet nothing but the same responses. Yes, I’m frustrated, yes I feel like giving up, but deep down I’ll always tell myself I can do it, no matter what anyone tells me.

Why acting? Why the film industry? I know all the stories about acting and ‘actors’. I don’t want to live up to that. I want to live up to my own destiny, I want to prove that not everyone is the same, because we’re not. As a child, I always used to watch a ton of movies and think to myself, “I want to do that”. Sure, I know movies only create an illusion of life. I know. But that’s not what I want, I want to be able to send a message through my acting to help others, I want to create stories that have meaning to the world.

I thought I’d share a part of my story with the world because I know I’m not the only one feeling the way I do about myself. I might have good days, I might have bad days, but at the end of the day I’ll always stay positive and have hope that things will eventually work out the way that I want it to. Not now, someday.

If other’s also feel this way, all I can say is never give up, you can do it. It doesn’t matter if no one else believes in you or sees your worth, you are worthy. No one can predict your life for you, it’s your path to walk, nobody else’s. Hold onto that, never change just so that  they can accept you. All you need is to accept yourself and believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place. Don’t wait around for help, it’ll probably never happen, don’t let them tell you they’ll help you, they definitely won’t. You can do it, on your own.

Scary, right? I know, I’m there right now and I’m doing just great.

Sometimes it’s quite hard to describe who you are. But this is it, this is me and my blog of all the topics I’d like to cover and that I find are important to me. Down to the point, I am passionate about acting and I am determined to fulfil my dream in life. Dreams… What a topic to cover, there’s gonna be a lot of that on here! Having a dream doesn’t mean that I’m not realistic, it just means that I’m an opportunist and through hard work and dedication I believe that all dreams are possible, no matter how big or impossible it may seem.

When you’re a kid, you dream of being a princess or a fire fighter or a police officer. As you grow older, those dreams may not change or they may. You dream of becoming a lawyer, a pilot, a flight attendant travelling the world (the world you’ve always wanted to explore), a doctor, owning numerous amounts of businesses and of course, an actor!

Everyone should dream, but not just dream, to turn that dream into a reality.

You can do it! It doesn’t matter if anyone tells you differently, it doesn’t matter if nobody believes in you (most people laugh at you because they think it’s ridiculous!) I say “Bring it on!”. As long as you believe in yourself, that’s the only thing that matters. You can be great and you can achieve your dreams!